There has been one ultra-awful Super Mario Bros. Movie. In America.
There has never been another animated show since 1992 or so based on Super Mario Bros. In America.
"HEY! SHUT UP! Only I'm allowed to say that repeatedly!"
Whatever. Anyway, over in the land of the rising sun, they made something that even those dorks in America wouldn't get their hands on. It was called, Super Mario Bros: The Great Mission to save Princess Peach. See, I didn't know that Princess Peach was called Peach even before SM64, because she was called Princess Toadstool here until '96. Guess Japan was STILL more advanced than we are, even back in the day.
So here's what I understand from what I've watched so far. Mario himself loves to play Nintendo. Luigi however, wants to get some goddamn sleep, and he's not gonna get that with Mario playing the game so loudly. Guess that's what Nintendo meant by PLAY IT LOUUUUUUUUUUUUUD!
So while Mario is playing, he sees some blond chick in a pink dress fighting off a bunch of turtles. With no where to go, the blond girl jumps through the TV, right into Mario's lap. Why can't blond girls wearing pink jump through MY TV? And then all the turtles and Lakitus and Bullet Bills all follow her, with Mario and the chick not doing anything about it, until a Bullet Bill actually hits them. What moron.
So I assume, since I don't speak Japanese, that the girl introduces herself as Peach. Peach's monologue was interrupted by Bowser appearing on the TV. Then Bowser's big Koopa ass appears, licking his lips, knowing that he's 'bout to get some of the Princess. Mario, reluctantly, challenges Bowser, before cowering behind the Princess. What a pussy. Like I said earlier, I don't understand Japanese. Peach says something, perhaps offering sex, and Mario jumps right back up. At this point in the series, Mario's about two times smaller than Bowser, so all Bowser does is touch Mario with his finger and Mario is sent to the basement of his house. The Princess then starts throwing everything at Bowser, but Bowser still captures her. Bowser and Peach go back into the TV, and the screen says Game Over, playing the Mario game over screen. Mario sucks at this game.
Luigi's back out again, and is wondering why Mario is beating up the TV, since they still have payments on it or something. I don't know, this video should have subtitles. Mario then possibly responds with "This giant turtle and hot princess chick came out of the TV, I have to get in there!" Luigi, unsurprisingly, bursts out laughing, and goes back to bed. Mario is left with some jewel that the Princess had, and the theme music of the movie starts playing. The video ends. This movie seems better and makes more sense than Super Mario Bros. the movie.
After the credits, we get a shot of a grocery sto-- wait wait wait. Mario and Luigi are plumbers, not grocers! Also (you can't see it, since I can't get screenshots off of YouTube), Luigi's colors are NOT Blue and Yellow! It's green! Anyway, Mario is all sad because the Princess got kidnapped by a giant turtle and now he has some jewel. Some old woman comes up to him asking him for some stuff (I don't know what she was asking for dammit, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE LANGUAGE!), and he gives her gasoline, polish, boots, a Turnip (from Super Mario USA? :O) And a broom. She angrily storms out, and Luigi wants to know what's up. He all of a sudden sees the jewel in Mario's hands. And in a cartoon manner, Luigi runs over and wants to look at the jewel. I assume that Luigi wants to sell the jewel so he can pursue a dream job. Mario say nay. Luigi takes out a book and points to the jewel in question. Luigi then says "SELL!" Mario says "NO!" "SELL!" "NO!" SELL!" "NO!" At least, that's what I think. Mario makes a call... using only THREE NUMBERS! Who's he calling? The Police? Maybe they can provide me with subtitles. I don't know who it is, but whoever it is yells at Mario, to the point where he's delirious.
Some dog comes in and starts talking. He sees the jewel in Mario's hand and beats the crap out of him. He takes the jewel and runs off. Mario gives chase, and when Luigi sees this, he grabs a shovel and a knapsack and runs after them. Eventually, they all go down a pipe (Why? They aren't plumbers, they're grocers! Oh wait). At the bottom of the pipe, some old dude with a Merlin-type beard welcomes them,
Merlin says something, and it doesn't break their stride. He says something else (most likely about Peach), and Mario stops dancing, while Luigi continues. CUT TO A SCENE
Ahem... that means that probably more are on the way, and I will update as follows. But let's make it through this one.
Mario is reminded of Peach being stolen by Bowser. The old guy tells him that she is a PRINCESS. This rocks poor Mario's world. Soon after, we see Peach crying with a big-ass ball and chain on her arm. You know, I thought originally that they were supposed to stay on someone's ankle, but what do I know? Mario gets pissed, and for an unknown reason, turns into Yosemite Sam, except dressed like someone from a mexican western, but still shooting off all the guns. The old guy seems surprised that some small fry like M-M-M-MARIO~ is going to try to take on Bowser. Merlin starts saying something SCARY and all of a sudden, Mario is back in his plumber clothes. No, that's not related to the story at all. All of a sudden, we start seeing the three key-elements of Mario: Mushrooms, Flowers, and Stars. Merlin, I believe, is telling Mario about the powers that they each have. Mario is more encouraged to go after the princess, and tells his younger brother to follow him. Luigi, I assume, asks what's in it for him if he rescues the princess. Merlin responds with "Bitch, do it and they'll probably give you a reward." Luigi chases after Mario at this point. Never knew Luigi was money-hungry.
After a while, Mario, Luigi, and the blue dog who followed them, are gathered by a fire. Luigi seems to be hungry and complaining about it. Mario is dreaming about having a feast, which can only be compared to his dream from Mario Sunshine. Luigi gets mad because Mario's dream looks so delicious, so he smashes it with a hammer. He needs to tell me how to do that. Luigi then begins to wonder if the dog would taste good with a little Oreagno. The dog bites Weege's nose. Behind the rocks, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMBAS appear. Luigi asks the Goombas if they have food, and the Goombas probably say (in a, if it was in english, Mob type accent) "Oh yeah, we can take you to food. Trust me." Luigi freaks, and joins them. Luigi starts laughing loud enough for Mario to hear, and as it turns out, Luigi found Mushrooms! Mario says "These aren't the shrooms you're looking for", but it doesn't reach Luigi, who has obviously gone out of his mind. Weege eats some, and then starts crying. We find out that they're mood shrooms, cause Mario shoves one down his throat, and Luigi gets very very angry. Then Luigi goes through all three of the mood swings, while Mario gets stolen by some kind of Paratroopa. It says "HEY KIDLETS, IT's FEEDING TIME", And Mario throws mushrooms at all three of them. They, like Luigi, starts laughing. The Paratroopa finds Luigi and brings him up too. Luigi seems to be back to normal, as he's pecked by the birds and speaking in a coherant matter. For some stupid reason, Mario bites Luigi's nose, and starts acting like he's been poisoned. Mario explains something to the giant Paratroopa, who gives him an odd look. The birds start chirping, and the Paratroopa gives in. Mario starts explaining to Luigi, who gets mad and storms away. Well... when you storm away from a nest... things don't go so well.
Luigi now wants Mario to save him, wah. The blue dog points to a crystal on top of the cliff, and as it turns out, it's a mushroom! Mario figures it's the shroom he's looking for, so he starts using his fantastic plumber powers to scale the mountain and get the shroomsicle. The rock breaks, and Luigi screams "MARIO!". However, Mario uses his super powers to grab onto the ledge of whatever's left of the rock and grab the shroomsicle! And then, coins come out of the hole that the shroom was in. Luigi grabs his hat and grabs the coins. After that, Mario falls and lands in Luigi's hat. In the end, they all start falling.
I don't know what happens next, because there's a giant lapse between then, so let me pick up wherever the final clip starts.
In a dream sequence, Mario somehow changes into a Tuxedo and dances with Princess Peach. They sit on a fountain, and Luigi digs himself into the sequence. Mario and Luigi are in jail for some reason (they probably were caught by the Mushroom Kingdom DEA with all those Mushrooms). Mario tells Luigi to go away and let him at least get to second base with Peach, and then the blue dog appears. Then Mario says some stuff, and the clip ends.
I'm currently in the process of actually getting this movie (in the not legal way), so expect a full review then.
EDIT FROM NOW: Well, the entire movie is up on YouTube for the taking, so I need to jump on that. I'll get around to doing that, as well as posting screenshots and so on and so forth.
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