Episode Review that will NEVER BE FINISHED. EVER: Pokemon, I Choose You!

We all know what Pokemon is. Unless you're Japanese and know it as "Pocket Monsters". Beyond the numerous games which are basically the same damn thing, the shows that have sucked since they canceled Master Quest (and ruined the mystery surrounding the romance between Ash and Misty), and the voices that nowadays, just plain suck.

Either way, today I'm here to bring you the review of the FIRST EVER EPISODE OF POKEMON~

POKEMON! I CHOOSE YOU!

It starts out with this simple graphic of the beginning of Pokemon Red. I never liked Pokemon Red, cause Blue is a superior color. Yet for some reason, I bought Pokemon Fire Red instead of Leaf Green. Hm. Either way, the Pokemon you can't see is Gengar, and won't appear until ALOT later in the series. The other Pokemon is a Nidoran. It's Nidoran Male for you nitpicking sons of bitches. When Nidoran charges...

We get into the show. It starts out with this battle where Nidoran attempts to hurt Gengar with a tackle. LITTLE DOES NIDORAN KNOW, NORMAL ATTACKS LIKE TACKLE DON'T WORK AGAINST GHOSTS LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Either way, Nidoran gets put to sleep, and so the trainer here is forced to make the stupidest move ever by calling on... ONIX!


The problem with Onix is that unless it knows Dig or Earthquake, it can be felled against any ghost. Yes, I said felled instead of beaten. Before this monumental Gengar vs. Onix battle can begin, we're reminded that there's a kid in this show. Since Red doesn't make a good name for ANYONE, 4Kids renamed him the second name on the list; Ash.

Let me go on the record right now. Red is a FAR better trainer than Ash is. Just like how Blue is alot better than Gary. Red and Blue's rivalry has moved on past Pokemon, and they now shoot each other in the webshow Red Vs. Blue. Meanwhile, Gary and Ash became friends, and Gary left to go do some stuff, probably to knock up Erika in Celadon City. Ash however, said "wtf i hate you both" to Brock and Misty, and left them both for May, before May's brother came along, and then Brock said "no ash don't leave meh" and Brock came along. Then Misty said "i hate you ash have my babies" and makes occasional appearances. Have I told you that Pokemon shows suck now? I mean, where the hell is Brandon (main male character of Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald)?

Ahem, I digress. Ash is given the CLEVER last name of Ketchum, and his mom came in to tell him to get in bed.

She then turns the channel to this old guy, who we know as Professor Oak. Oak tells us that there are three Pokemon that he can get. Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle.

I'm a big fan of Squirtle. I always go for the Water Pokemon at the beginning. Squirtle, Totodile, and Mudkip, FTW. Also, Squirtle is the best Pokemon Ash got, because he hung out with a gang, and they put out fires. Let's see YOUR gang do that! Ash however, loses sleep over this and while choosing Squirtle, throws his Alarm Clock against the wall.

It's morning now, you can tell by the Dodrio trying to be a rooster. Ash wakes up and realizes that he's a dumbass and runs down the street in his pajamas, trying to get a Pokemon.

Of course, since they were rivals at this time, Gary has cheerleaders (and probably has fun with them, if you know what I mean) and tells Ash to call him MISTER Benjamin GARY. He then tells him that he got a Pokemon, and HE DOESN'T. AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!

Ash asks what Pokemon Gary got, and Gary tells us that it's none of our business. We all take guesses, but we find out in two ways:

1. Pokemon Yellow spoiled it for us
2. The episode before the end of the Orange Islands arc.
Either way, Gary tells him that he blows cause his grandfather isn't Professor Oak. Considering in Pokemon Yellow, Gary got there after Ash, and shoved Ash out of the way to get his Pokemon. Professor Oak comes out and tells Ash that he was late and can pick one of the Pokemon. And neglects to tell him that every Pokeball was empty.


So Oak tells him that there's one Pokemon left, but he has an attitude problem. Ash, too worried about NOT getting a Pokemon, takes it anyway.

That's where Pikachu comes in. Pikachu's already pissed off at Ash for being late as well, so he proceeds to shock the shit out of Ash, just to prove his dominance. Oak makes an awful joke, and presents Ash with a Pokedex and his Pokeballs. See, in the game, you find out that you have to send a Parcel back to Oak, and then you get your Pokedex, and then you go back and buy some balls. But Ash is poor, so he has to get everything in one fell swoop. He then hands it to him while getting shocked again.

Ash doesn't need a big crowd, cheerleaders, or a car to carry him away. But then again, he spent the first entire episode trying to get a mouse to like him. I think that speaks for itself.
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Let's put up a different conclusion due to this being posted in a different place and me being ten times smarter than I was then. ANYWAY, yeah. I deleted these off of my computer before the review could be finished, and even now that it can be finished, I'm much too lazy to take screenshots and finish it. So yeah, here's a pretty much unfunny incomplete review from 2006 Me.