Hack Review: Ultimate Mortal Kombat Trilogy

Ah, these things are getting tougher to write about. Sometimes inspiration strikes and I have no way to write anything down, sometimes I'm ready to write but I have no idea what to write about. Well today, I had a thought. Why not videobatize an article? Well, easy reason. Then I'd be selling out somehow. After all, I hate ranting on YouTube, where everyone is free to speak their own opinions and tell me that mine is utterly and horrendously wrong, no matter how well put together every idea is. Now, I've tried to update my blog with whatever I could. A review of another video game, a review of a wrestling show in the past from the perspective of a kid who once religiously watched professional wrestling on TV like it was the coolest thing ever, or just me continuing to complain about the state of music/television/games themselves. But I've been sitting on doing this for a while, so, to quote an italian plumber sent to rescue mini-toys of himself from an ape friend of his, "Let's-a get-a going."

Now, everyone knows what Mortal Kombat is. Why? Because Mortal Kombat was a lifestyle changing game, that's why. Looking back, all of the home versions (and the arcade version to an extent) were pretty mediocre. But only one thing drove people into fits was the fact that it was possible to reach into your opponent's back and rip out their spine like it was nothin. Sure, you could also rip out their heart, set them on fire, or... ahem, perform an uppercut that somehow kills them, but everyone spent all their time focusing on these things. Needless to say, given that you were never able to kill anyone in video games before. At least, not with STATE-OF-THE-ART CINEMATICS LIKE THIS, which looking back, were pretty revolutionary themselves, considering that they got actual people to provide the sprites for the characters, which would later be duplicated in many games to follow, most of them sucking horribly. Looking at you, Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game.


Either way, parents freaked, and Joseph Lieberman cried foul and decided "WTF NO, KIDS MIGHT WANT TO BUY THIS GAME SO WE NEED TO PUT A LABEL ON IT OR SOMETHING". Thus, the ESRB was created. Granted I always played the Genesis version so I had the VRC or whatever Sega used. Mortal Kombat was rated MA-13, meaning you had to be a teenager to play the game, and even then there was a cheat code that you needed to do in order to unlock the blood. Come on, say it with me now. A-B-A-C-A-B-B. To me, that was my Contra Code growing up, because I loved my copy of Mortal Kombat, and I didn't own a copy of Contra. Anyway, while the ESRB was effective while as it was pretty straightforward. K-A was Kids to Adults, which meant pretty much everyone could play it. T was Teen, meaning the content was more suited to teenagers. And a rarely seen one those days (other than on Mortal Kombat games, ironically) was M for Mature, which means the content was for 17-year-olds and up. Now there are two other levels, eC which is Early Childhood, and AO which is Adults Only. The problem being that eC games are normally skipped over and AO games are legally not allowed to be sold on consoles. You may remember hearing about that when you bought your copy of Manhunt 2 and thought that playing it on the Wii was going to be the most fucked up thing ever, and suddenly you got the piece of crap that WAS the toned-down M-rated Manhunt 2. Anyway, the system worked until Grand Theft Auto III was released, and when parents bought GTAIII for their children and watched in horror at what their kids were playing, they decided to blame the developer for making such a game, not themselves for allowing their kids to play it. I could write more about this, but that is totally irrelevant to this review.



Anyway, Mortal Kombat. The reason that there IS a rating system in place. Every single MK game to date has been rated M for Mature, with the exception of the "highly anticipated" Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe. I say "highly anticipated" because Mortal Kombat fans wanted to tear out the spines of whoever came up with such an idea. Me on the other hand, I find this game to be rather interesting. After all, I slightly wondered if this game was possible a while back, due to Marvel vs. Capcom being awesome and constantly in my life. After all, Street Fighter's main competition was always MK, therefore it only made sense that since Marvel's main competition was DC Comics, they should get together and make their OWN game. Now with things like MUGEN, this was easily able to do. I mean with MUGEN, you could do anything. Mortal Kombat vs. Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat vs. Marvel, even... Mortal Kombat vs. Mortal Kombat. I mean this as in, you could take a character from UMK3 and face him off against a character from MK2. Oh wait no, you could already do that WITHOUT MUGEN.



And so now, four paragraphs later, I'm finally starting my review of this. Ultimate Mortal Kombat Trilogy. By the title, it sounds like a horrible abomination against man. You know, it sounds like the title of one of those Pirated NES games. But nope, it's actually a Sega Genesis game. Rather, it's a hack (and boy, what A hack) of Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3. Now at first glance at the title screen, it looks horrible. I mean, there's been a pirated Genesis Mortal Kombat game in MK5, which was a Genesis port of MK Mythologies: Sub-Zero. And then you look at the player select screen.


No. You're kidding me here. This HAS to be like one of those Pirate games, right? I mean, look at this! There are multiple portraits of the same character here! Nope. Each one of those Kombatants (except maybe the Shao Kahns) are different. The difference between most of them? They're from different games. Yes, you heard me correctly. Each of them are somehow taken from their respective Genesis game, and a few are even ported from games LATER in the series, such as MKT Johnny Cage, and Rain. Now, we got Kombatants from MK1, MK2, and UMK3. I mean, we even have Sheeva! So this has to be too good to be true. This game HAS to suck.


Well, double-edged sword here. In my opinion, none of the console ports of UMK3 are any good. The only good version is the XBLA version, which is the closest thing to Arcade Perfect UMK3 that we're getting. However, getting past the music and the graphics (because come on, this is the Genesis) the gameplay holds up well with EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER. Now, obviously there did have to be some changes made. This is where this is set out from actual MUGEN, where everything has to stay the same, or if it's changed, it has to be completely badass and flashy and stupid. However, unlike MUGEN, everything is... well, somewhat balanced. First of all, every single character can recieve the same fate. This is due to the fact that the boss characters are playable and are seen as regular characters, other than the fact that they can smash each other character away like they usually can. You can finally Toasty Motaro if you feel like, as well as hammer Liu Kang into the ground. But the main point is, running and dial-a-kombo. These two things were added in MK3, and so how do you add these things into characters that weren't IN that game? Well, simple.


You simply give each character everything that the characters from UMK3 had. Each character has a kombo system (although most of the characters outside of MK3's kombos are all easy to use) and have Babalities, Brutalities (which weren't even in UMK3, so that's new in itself), and more than one or two fatalities. Yes, this also means that some characters even have NEW fatalities. Some are pretty stupid, but some of which actually fit the character. But the fact that they'd you know, actually implement these are awesome in itself.


Now obviously a game like this HAS to have some glaring flaws. Well, it's true. UMKT has NUMEROUS glitches and bugs that I'd expose, but really I'd just advise you to search for "UMKT: Glitchecalypse" on YouTube. Also, I like the fact that we have all these characters from all these games. That's good, I like it. But I'm wondering if there's actually any way to put in any stages from the classic games into this. Granted the game is huge anyway, what with all these new characters and the inclusion of the announcer from UMK3, but it would've been great. Also yes, some of the kombos ARE a bit too easy to pull off, and in the case of characters like Goro, Kintaro, Motaro, and the Shao Kahns, this could be a bit of a problem. Understandably, it's a bit tough to play this game with a second player considering it's a hack and such, but playing as a character just because you can by yourself and it's easy doesn't mean... okay, I don't exactly know where I'm going with this anyway.


Anyway, for what it's worth, it's an amazing hack, and I easily recommend patching it to your UMK3 ROM. That is of course, if you own Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 for the Genesis and are legally allowed to play things like that.

Misc: Television Sucks

So before you actually read the crap that I wrote out over two years ago just to keep someone's website up, let's see if I can write something comprehensible, totally unlike Giygas's attacks. You'll have to excuse me, I've been playing the MOTHER games for the past month, and I somehow became even more of a fan. There's half of a reason though, and that's because I don't do much than type on the computer, play MUGEN, go on YouTube and find things to type about, and chats. Yes, chats. With actual people and not bots. Boy, those were the days.
"But RSR," you say, "Don't you watch TV? Surely you have a TV box." This is true. I actually own video game consoles, so I need something to play them on. I also have a DVD player which I use to watch movies and other videos that I've burnt onto DVDs. Otherwise, I don't use it, because there's nothing else to use it for. Yes, I have cable, but screw it.
First of all, it's kind of sad that there aren't many good shows that haven't been canceled already. Thinking back, I watched Chappelle's Show when it was still going, and it was one of those shows that I'd watch weekly. When Dave left, what did Comedy Central give us? Mind of Mencia. Yes, I can hear your collective groan. Trust me, I'm groaning too. Also, there was MXC, which was good for a while before I stopped watching Spike TV. Then I caught it again, and it's more like, yeah it's there, but who really cares? Especially now since we get Ninja Warrior, which is ten times better. And even though I never watched it myself, I hear people always wondering why the hell FOX canceled Arrested Development. What did we get in place of that? The War at Home. Way to go.
Also, you've heard the complaints that the Simpsons isn't funny anymore. Well yeah. As a matter of fact, the last new Simpsons episode I watched was "Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind", which is a parody of one of my favorite movies of all time, therefore I watched, and it ended up apparently being one of the funniest Simpsons episodes in a while. Yes, there are still funny episodes, but you still need to watch the unfunny ones to get to them. This makes me wonder why King of the Hill is still on, but I'm not going to question that show's audience anymore than I have for the past seven years. Luckily, we still have Futurama in a manner of speaking, so animation isn't completely lost. Also, the Venture Brothers is pretty clever, but the wait is always long for new episodes. Anyway, this isn't a bad thing, so I'm going to stop talking about it.
The second thing is that maybe as I'm growing up, I start to wonder why cartoons are so painfully unfunny now. Parents didn't like the Cartoon Cartoons that much, as they had grown up with perfectly violent programming as they were young'ns. We of course, grew up with such shows like Dexter's Laboratory and Rocko's Modern Life. Friggin hilarious, but now gone, unless you have Boomerang for Dexter. Rocko on the other hand, has been sent to the great beyond. That's a totally different thing in itself though, so I won't bother. Either way, shows for kids are annoying these days. Yes, this statement is generally aimed at the Disney Channel, and all 70 of their teen idols. I could, right off the bat, say Hannah Montana, but no, I'll save her for later. Disney Channel's programming, which used to be actually tolerable at one hazy point, has just created unfunny sitcoms for younger children/preteens. Yes, because cartoons are so behind the times now, unless they feature talking sponges. Once again, another thing to write about for another time. They're also all pretty much the same with a different premise anyway. Some teenage girl has something that's not going her way, she complains about it, she makes up some elaborate plan to stop it which 8 times out of 10 involves some ridiculous costume that NO ONE should fall for, and then a choice. Either they totally misunderstood the idea, they compeltely messed up completely which is what it normally comes to, or they hurt a friend in the process, and you get the sad remix of the main theme. Either way, it all ends up good in the end, so don't worry. The same could be said for all sitcoms, but Disney Channel has perfected this and has somehow made millions of dollars off of doing the SAME THING.
Finally, and the main reason I made this, REALITY SHOWS. You know what I mean. American Idol, the overglorified kareoke contest, failed to bring anyone who remotely stood out this year other than David Archuleta, whoever the hell that is. Also, who the hell keeps greenlighting these goddamn "Love" shows? You know whicn ones I'm talking about. Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, I Love New York, and A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. ALL OF THEM ARE THE SAME. AND NONE OF THEM ARE GOOD. Not to mention, you have to be chronically fucked up in order to be on the shows. No, you can't be nice and normal or anything, you have to have something that makes you stand out and able to fight with very other girl/male on the cast. But the reality show that got me this riled up was on E!. You know E! right? Simple Life? Girls Next Door? Well, today I was forced to watch an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. For those who don't know, Kim Kardashian is a woman with a huge behind that achieved fame like Paris Hilton did. Fucked some guy, made a video, is now famous. E! noticed this, and gave her and the rest of her sisters (who's names all start with the letter K) a show. Perhaps it was the fact that the particular episode had one of the Cheetah Girls on it, and I don't like any of them. Maybe it was because I find starting a chicken coop because there aren't any eggs to be stupid. But I now dislike Kim and Khloe and Kourtney even more than I did before. I felt as if I had lost some IQ points just watching it. It also makes me continue to question exactly why Kim Kardashian is famous, but I don't tend to think about that alot, because I figure that I'll soon get an aneurysm and I won't be able to think about anything else again other than Kim and her backside. I'm still in school, so I have to use my brain for more constructive things, so I won't dwell on it that much.
So, what the hell? Is this what TV has turned into? I mean, sure you have all these dramas, but they aren't all that good. Deal or No Deal was tolerable for a while, but eventually my interest in that died. But, is there truly nothing that I watch on TV? No, there's still some things. I'd say anime, but there isn't any anime worth watching anymore on TV THANK YOU VERY MUCH CARTOON NETWORK. Adult Swim hasn't been good for a while, so I suppose I'm waiting for the next season of the Venture Bros while I watch Space Ghost on YouTube. I'm trying to get into Doctor Who since some of my friends are into it. Otherwise, there isn't much.
So, I'm supposed to end with some kind of joke. Uh... well, you know that we have to trade in our Analog TVs for Digital TVs, right? There you go.

Episode Review that will NEVER BE FINISHED. EVER: Pokemon, I Choose You!

We all know what Pokemon is. Unless you're Japanese and know it as "Pocket Monsters". Beyond the numerous games which are basically the same damn thing, the shows that have sucked since they canceled Master Quest (and ruined the mystery surrounding the romance between Ash and Misty), and the voices that nowadays, just plain suck.

Either way, today I'm here to bring you the review of the FIRST EVER EPISODE OF POKEMON~

POKEMON! I CHOOSE YOU!

It starts out with this simple graphic of the beginning of Pokemon Red. I never liked Pokemon Red, cause Blue is a superior color. Yet for some reason, I bought Pokemon Fire Red instead of Leaf Green. Hm. Either way, the Pokemon you can't see is Gengar, and won't appear until ALOT later in the series. The other Pokemon is a Nidoran. It's Nidoran Male for you nitpicking sons of bitches. When Nidoran charges...

We get into the show. It starts out with this battle where Nidoran attempts to hurt Gengar with a tackle. LITTLE DOES NIDORAN KNOW, NORMAL ATTACKS LIKE TACKLE DON'T WORK AGAINST GHOSTS LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Either way, Nidoran gets put to sleep, and so the trainer here is forced to make the stupidest move ever by calling on... ONIX!


The problem with Onix is that unless it knows Dig or Earthquake, it can be felled against any ghost. Yes, I said felled instead of beaten. Before this monumental Gengar vs. Onix battle can begin, we're reminded that there's a kid in this show. Since Red doesn't make a good name for ANYONE, 4Kids renamed him the second name on the list; Ash.

Let me go on the record right now. Red is a FAR better trainer than Ash is. Just like how Blue is alot better than Gary. Red and Blue's rivalry has moved on past Pokemon, and they now shoot each other in the webshow Red Vs. Blue. Meanwhile, Gary and Ash became friends, and Gary left to go do some stuff, probably to knock up Erika in Celadon City. Ash however, said "wtf i hate you both" to Brock and Misty, and left them both for May, before May's brother came along, and then Brock said "no ash don't leave meh" and Brock came along. Then Misty said "i hate you ash have my babies" and makes occasional appearances. Have I told you that Pokemon shows suck now? I mean, where the hell is Brandon (main male character of Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald)?

Ahem, I digress. Ash is given the CLEVER last name of Ketchum, and his mom came in to tell him to get in bed.

She then turns the channel to this old guy, who we know as Professor Oak. Oak tells us that there are three Pokemon that he can get. Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle.

I'm a big fan of Squirtle. I always go for the Water Pokemon at the beginning. Squirtle, Totodile, and Mudkip, FTW. Also, Squirtle is the best Pokemon Ash got, because he hung out with a gang, and they put out fires. Let's see YOUR gang do that! Ash however, loses sleep over this and while choosing Squirtle, throws his Alarm Clock against the wall.

It's morning now, you can tell by the Dodrio trying to be a rooster. Ash wakes up and realizes that he's a dumbass and runs down the street in his pajamas, trying to get a Pokemon.

Of course, since they were rivals at this time, Gary has cheerleaders (and probably has fun with them, if you know what I mean) and tells Ash to call him MISTER Benjamin GARY. He then tells him that he got a Pokemon, and HE DOESN'T. AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!

Ash asks what Pokemon Gary got, and Gary tells us that it's none of our business. We all take guesses, but we find out in two ways:

1. Pokemon Yellow spoiled it for us
2. The episode before the end of the Orange Islands arc.
Either way, Gary tells him that he blows cause his grandfather isn't Professor Oak. Considering in Pokemon Yellow, Gary got there after Ash, and shoved Ash out of the way to get his Pokemon. Professor Oak comes out and tells Ash that he was late and can pick one of the Pokemon. And neglects to tell him that every Pokeball was empty.


So Oak tells him that there's one Pokemon left, but he has an attitude problem. Ash, too worried about NOT getting a Pokemon, takes it anyway.

That's where Pikachu comes in. Pikachu's already pissed off at Ash for being late as well, so he proceeds to shock the shit out of Ash, just to prove his dominance. Oak makes an awful joke, and presents Ash with a Pokedex and his Pokeballs. See, in the game, you find out that you have to send a Parcel back to Oak, and then you get your Pokedex, and then you go back and buy some balls. But Ash is poor, so he has to get everything in one fell swoop. He then hands it to him while getting shocked again.

Ash doesn't need a big crowd, cheerleaders, or a car to carry him away. But then again, he spent the first entire episode trying to get a mouse to like him. I think that speaks for itself.
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Let's put up a different conclusion due to this being posted in a different place and me being ten times smarter than I was then. ANYWAY, yeah. I deleted these off of my computer before the review could be finished, and even now that it can be finished, I'm much too lazy to take screenshots and finish it. So yeah, here's a pretty much unfunny incomplete review from 2006 Me.

Misc: Filler Instinct

Because I don't give it any love anymore. This is another thing I whipped up for Panfan Productions while I was bored, and... looking back, it's not even all that funny. I also posted this at the Killer Instinct Online forums when I actually posted there.

Misc: Credit Where Credit is Due

(I wrote this because I was bored, and had nothing else to update Panfan Productions with. Yay.)

A new series of things from me? Possibly. Well, like I said. I had a Pokemon article coming up. This one is on the neglected Pokemon that was carried by the trainers. I mean in... well, each series up to Master Quest (You'll NEVER get me to watch Battle Frontier OR any Advance series). Let's start with the main character.

Ash Ketchum-
You all know Ash. The main character of EVERY series (except Chronicles), the trainer who looks up to Red. Of course, Red's not an actual trainer in the series, but he might as well be.
Panfan: Red?! The hell are you talking about?
As in Pokemon Red? Pokemon Fire Red? Not Communist RevolutionaryClock Red?
Anyway, Ash always had six Pokemon with him, and when he caught a new one, they'd be sent to Professor Oak, where they would be treated with care. Let's not beat around the bush with this trainer.

Krabby/Kingler: Let's begin with the first Pokemon to be sent to Oak. As in Krabby. When Ash caught Krabby (in an episode involving a lighthouse or something), he had six Pokemon. Pikachu, Butterfree (which would leave him for a group of Butterfree in the first "GOODBYE!" episode), Pidgeotto (which left him in the episode before he went to the Pokemon League, but not before evolving into Pidgeot), and the three stooges, Squirtle (Left him for the Spirit Squirtle Squad a little bit into the Johto Journeys), Charmelzard (Charmander, Charmeleon, Charizard, Charizard left him for training in the Orange Islands), and Bulbasaur (left him to be a diplomat for the Bellossom and the Vileplume in Master Quest). I call them the three stooges because they, along with Pikachu and ONLY Pikachu ("I ONLY HAVE TWO OF MY POKEMON!"~ Ash. Those two were Butterfree and Pidgeotto) were stranded on the ISLAND OF GIANT POKEMON~ in one of the best episodes of the first series. That's a story for another day. AAAAAAAAAAAANYWAY, Krabby was caught, and had no room with Ash, so he was sent to Professor Oak and... forgotten about for the most part. I mean, he was with Professor Oak, and we're supposed to remember that Ash has a Muk, not a Krabby. I'm not going to write about Muk, cause every time Ash talked to Oak, he'd show up anyway. Krabby doesn't appear until the Pokemon League episodes where Ash needs all six Pokemon (I forgot which Pokemon he had at this point. He still had Pikachu, Squirtle, a very uneducated Charizard, and Bulbasaur). Ash needs two Pokemon, so he got Krabby (who, in the time at Oak's, evolved into a Kingler), and one of Ash's many Tauros, who NO ONE in America knew Ash had. He's being written about, obviously. Kingler helped out, and was essentially forgotten about again, as in the Orange Islands, Ash wouldn't need it again, with a Snorlax and Lapras being caught, and both (along with Charizard) leaving him.
Kingler seemed like he was going to make an appearance, but then Ash got all three starting Johto Pokemon as well (Chikorita, Cyndaquil, and Totodile). Then Squirtle leaves, and Ash gets a Noctowl.
Kingler isn't seen until Master Quest (the Whirl Islands arc), when he needs two water Pokemon (and only had Totodile). Totodile gets dealt with by Misty's Poliwhirl, and Kingler makes short work of Poliwhirl, showing that he's awesome for a Pokemon that's never seen EVER. However, since Ash is a dumbass, he ends up getting pwned by Psyduck, cause Ash forgot his power. Dumbass. And of course, all of Ash's Pokemon get let go (instead of the 'Chu) for Advance, and Kingler is a distant memory, as many people ask "Wait, when the hell did Ash ever have one of those?"

Haunter: As with Haunter. Many people don't remember Haunter with good reason. Haunter was only there for two episodes, used to beat the crap out of Alakazam for the Spirit Badge. At least, I THINK it was the Spirit Badge. Ash for whatever reason, couldn't keep Haunter past Lavender Town and Saffron City, so it had to go again. Now, everyone who's caught a Haunter in Pokemon Red/FireRed/Blue/Yellow/LeafGreen knows that Haunter's great. I don't know, I never saw these episodes. Dammit, why did I delete the first season off of here?!

Tauros: I mean, COME ON! I even had THIS episode! Okay, okay, okay. So Ash and co were in the Safari Zone in Fushcia City, right? Well, Tauros (along with Chansey and Kangashkhan) were the hardest Pokemon to catch in there. Yet, Ash caught AN ENTIRE HERD. Problem was, there was too much gunplay for the episode to come to the states. Damn 4Kids. Anyway, I didn't see the episode. I only saw the first... two minutes of it where Ash gets a shotgun pointed at his face. Come to think of it, I didn't even get to see Beauty and the Beach, starring James' Inflated Boobs. D:
Either way, Tauros only makes two more appearances. Once in the Pokemon League episodes, and another after the Orange Islands series, when Ash is explaining to Tracey how he has a HELL OF ALOT of Tauros. Meh. We could do that by surfing on Cinnabar Island, trading them to Gold, and bam. WE could have a herd of Tauros.

Primeape: Motherfu--... Primeape was a GREAT Pokemon. Considering that James has that Victrebel that keeps trying to eat him, Primeape was dedicated to beating up Ash and ALL of his Pokemon. FUN FACT: For those who didn't see the episode where Primeape was caught, it was also the same episode where Charmander evolved into Charmeleon. FYI. Anyway, Ash and friends are going by a bunch of rocks, and they encounter a legion of Mankey. Now, Brock, being the breeder he is, offers Mankey some rice cakes. This attracts a Primeape, who will beat the shit out of you if you look him in the eyes. Problem is, the Primeape ends up stealing Ash's coveted hat (WHICH WE FIND OUT IS AN OFFICIAL POKEMON LEAGUE HAT!!1!1!1!111one), and Ash is dedicated to getting it back. Eventually Ash does, and Charmeleon fries the shit out of it, only out of spite. Charmeleon, forgetting that oops, I mean Ash saved it as a Charmander. Ash catches it, and since Butterfree left at this point, Primeape was kept. Ash's first action as a Primeape owner? Toss the ball in a hole with Team Rocket in it, promptly making sure that Team Rocket got the crap beat out of them.
This wasn't the only time we saw Primeape though. Later, there was a fighting Pokemon tournament. Being stupid and very reliant on the same one move two move Pikachu, he tries to teach Pikachu how to fight against a Hitmonchan (which is by far, my FAVORITE Kanto Pokemon). Failing miserably, he takes out Primeape, and Primeape is trained by... some guy, I don't remember. So in the tournament, Primeape advances to the finals. The Hitmonchan gets beaten by a Hitmonlee, commandeered by Team Rocket. Driven by the will to win, Primeape finally respects Ash as a trainer, and beats up Hitmonlee, despite the cheating. With a shiny new belt, Primeape enters the WWE and smashes John Cena stays with the trainer to train and beat up Pokemon for years to come (I hope he destroyed numerous Hitmontops in the process). Primeape could've been one of the best Pokemon Ash had, but of course, Ash had to be noble and let it go. Bah.

And finally... his friggin Bulbasaur: This will be short. Bulbasaur was like Pikachu. Pikachu only did Thunder-insert word here, and Agility. It very RARELY used Quick Attack, and it didn't learn Iron Tail until Advanced. Bulbasaur was there to do two moves. Razor Leaf and Vine Whip. The problem is this. Bulbasaur learned something between Pokemon- the First Series and Johto League Challenge. He learned SOLAR BEAM. DAMMIT, HE LEARNED SOLAR BEAM. But Ash forgot, and continued to only use it for Razor Leaf and Vine Whip. Moron. Also, Bulbasaur was like a leader to the Pokemon, second to Pikachu of course. It was kind of a smart-ass in the Giant Pokemon episode when they saw the Mechanical Venusaur. After seeing what happened when Squirtle talked to the Blastoise, said... well, something. Can't remember exactly what. Oh, it was in subtitles, so DON'T COMPLAIN TO ME. And in the First Movie, Bulbasaur cradled Togepi to sleep, AND defended the group against Snubbull's gang. VEEEEEEEEERY neglected in my opinion. Of course, Bulbasaur was also in charge of making sure that Ash would never fall down any large pits or anything. He's always been a protector, and showed that all the way when he helped unite the Bellossom and the Vileplume in one of the best episodes in Master Quest. Of course, he first got jumped by all of them, but that shows it's tenacity as well. Bulbasaur is great.
--
Misty- We all know the story behind Misty. In the game, the Cerulean City Gym Leader, gets pissed in Gold/Silver when you ruin her conversation with her boyfriend (Ash's only appearance in a Pokemon (insert-color) game. :P Kay, not really)(BONUS QUESTION! What was the ONLY Pokemon game that actually featured characters from the series?) Misty... well, pretty much was Ash's girlfriend throughout the entire series, although they denied it every time (including a pretty well done take when Brock stays with Professor Ivy (OMG NOT THAT NAME) and they're tied up in a blimp with Team Rocket. TR notices there's one missing, and starts making the accusations. :P). Wow, four parenthesis already. o_o Anyway, it's not revealed until Gotta Catch You Later (the final episode in Pokemon, at least according to me. I didn't watch anything after that), where Misty says "Now I know how you feel about me, Ash", pretty much alluding to that. They cool like that. AAAANYWAY, Misty's a water trainer, and has... well, only a couple neglected Pokemon.

Togepi: This is hilarious. Togepi was there near the end of the first season (when they were starting to introduce Pokemon from Johto into Kanto), and was the baby of the group. It's the egg Pokemon guys, come on. Togepi is neglected, cause of the hilarity of it's power. Togepi can do Metronome. Metronome made it's first appearance in the Mount Moon episode (what, the sixth Episode in all?) when the Clefairy did it to get rid of Team Rocket. Togepi was like Psyduck, in which no one really knew what was going on until it happened. Although they still didn't know. Misty had a clue about it, but it was put down when they remembered that Togepi was a baby. This is messed up. A Ditto can turn into a friggin cannon, but Togepi can't do an attack. Togepi of course, left with Misty at the end of the series (to me. Like I said, I don't watch Advance). However, in one of the few times Misty appeared in the Advanced series (Maybe Advanced Challenge, I don't know, I don't care) Togepi finally evolved into Togetic, and left. Eh.

Psyduck: Now, I'm going to love this one. Okay, many people don't remember when Misty got Psyduck. Misty got Psyduck way back when Ash challenged Koga for the Soul Badge. After winning it, they were under seige from Team Rocket. Psyduck was a Pokemon that was just there, and was getting abused from both sides. Psyduck got a massive headache, and used confusion something fierce. After that, Misty STILL didn't want it, and was mad when it tripped into one of her Pokeballs. After that, in like, four episodes since then, Psyduck would get a major headache and confuse it's way into destroying Team Rocket (and Ash's Kingler, as said before), and STILL would get no respect from Misty. One of the two Pokemon to randomly appear, and be very neglected (don't worry. Wobbuffet's coming up too).
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Brock- Brock's the former Pewter City gym leader. Brock started as that, just like he was in the game, and gave it up to travel with Ash and become a breeder. Later, he stayed behind with Professor Ivy, and was promptly replaced by Tracey Sketchit (who's Pokemon are on this list as well). After the Orange Islands arc though (even after making a SLIGHT appearance in Pokemon 2000), Brock was dumped by Ivy (which was made fun of in the second to last Kanto episode) and was working alongside Delia's (I've only saw Pokemon: The First Movie and Pokemon 2000, so bear with me on that name) Mr. Mime doing housekeeping. Since Tracey wanted to help Professor Oak, Brock started traveling with Ash and the gang again. And since Advanced was MUCH lacking in masculinity (Traveling around with May and Max? Poor Ash), Brock appeared yet again. And this time, Max jumps on him and grabs his ears when he tries to work his mojo. Damn haters. Brock really doesn't have an affiliation anymore. He used to be devoted to Rock Pokemon, but... eh. Now he's all around. I'm going to pretty much do all his Pokemon up to Advance. Doesn't he have a Mudkip now?

Onix: Onix, Onix, Onix. The best Pokemon held for SO DAMN LONG, and never used. Onix could do it all, but never did. Remember the First Movie? Charizard's head was stuck in a pipe, and no less than eight Pokemon were trying to get him free. Onix was at the end of the rope. If it would've just jerked back a little, Charizard would be a giraffe, but it'd be out of the pipe. And this episode I was just watching with Ursaring. Onix did a tackle, and probably could've sent ANY Pokemon flying. Just tapped him though. Then later, he had to work with Arbok to get Ash and the Gang (including Team Rocket) to safety. Could've did it himself. Onix has only been beaten in battle twice, both from outside interference, more or less. Ash used the sprinklers in the Pewter City Gym to get Onix wet, and set him up for the ELECTRICSHOCK! And Meowth, knowing he couldn't use Fury Swipes, took some buckets of water and threw them at him. In the outdoors, unless people in the Pokemon world are as clumsy as they are around Ranma.

(We're going to pause for those who aren't familiar with Ranma 1/2. See, when Ranma Saotome or his father get splashed with cold water, they turn into a girl and panda respectively. Now, everytime Ranma needs to stay a guy, SOMEONE walking around with water trips or just tosses it away, and it always lands on Ranma. For example: Ranma's father told his wife that he would take Ranma and turn him into a MAN AMONG MEN. He later turned himself into a panda and his son into a girl. And so if she catches them, they have to commit Seppeku, or ritual suicide. And everytime Ranma's mom is around, instead of cold water, while Ranma is disguised as a girl by fear of death, they always trip and send hot water, which turns him back to a guy, on him. So there you go.)

Anyway, Onix is damn tough, and Brock should still be a Gym Leader.

Vulpix: And then there's this goddamn Vulpix. Brock got Vulpix from a Pokemon Groomer, nuff said. Now, Vulpix is like Growlithe. A fast fire Pokemon. But you'd be amazed at how little Vulpix appears. I mean I would understand if it was because there were other good Pokemon (like Onix) that Brock was using, but Brock for some reason, spent alot of time using Pineco. PINECO. You know, the Pine Cone that acts like a Voltorb? Bah. Vulpix should've been around more, especially since it had that amazing Fire Spin.

Geodude: See Onix. Seriously. Geodude is just a rock with arms, but a powerful rock with arms.

Zubat/Crobat: I didn't even see Zubat enough to see it evolve, much less into a Crobat. Now, Zubat was introduced in the Mount Moon episode (what, the sixth episode in al-- wait. I said that already), and was only used so Pidgeotto, and then Noctowl would have a companion to search with. I didn't see when Zubat evolved, nor do I care. Zubat should've bitten alot of Pokemon, or used that Sonic attack or whatever. What a waste of a Pokemon.

Charmander: You're probably saying this already. "Wait. Charmander was Ash's Pokemon!" True, but Brock was the one who cared for it the most. If only Ash wasn't so committed to being a trainer, and Brock wasn't so committed to being a breeder...
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Quick look back for a second at a different Pokemon, one that you may have missed.
AJ's Sandshrew: Surprisingly, we have never seen AJ or his Sandshrew again. AJ appeared right after Ash won the Cascade Badge (I have the tape!), and Ash thought he was good. Ash and two out of three of his Pokemon (Butterfree and Pidgeotto. Pikachu didn't want ANYTHING to do with that Sandshrew) got their asses whupped, so it was no secret. AJ was phenomenal (excuse the pun). And so as it turned out, AJ cared about his Pokemon, but also put them through rigorous training. He got his 100th victory (without losing ONCE!) against Team Rocket (Number 99 was against Ash), and we haven't seen him since. Chances are, he's on his 1000th victory without losing once, and should be in the Pokemon Record Book by now. Sandshrew, still there. Sandshrew is fast, knows a mean dig move, and of course, is completely resistant to water (the only Sandshrew to be resistant). Even against these NEW Pokemon, Sandshrew could beat the shit out of anything. Ash and AJ could have a tremendous battle, as could Gary and AJ. But either way, Sandshrew could destroy them.
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James- James should've never had to change. The "I WANNA BE TUXEDO MASK" James was great and to the point. The Team Rocket nowadays is way too comedic to be taken seriously. But in the first series, James could've easily have been my favorite character. He had a backstory in alot of places (Flunking out of Pokemon Tech and joining a Bicycle Gang, as well as being very rich), and until a bit in the series, had a understandable voice. James for the most part, was the best person in Team Rocket, considering Jessie can't Pokemon battle to save her life, and Meowth IS a Pokemon.

Victreebel: Let's face it. If James had a Weepinbell, he'd be better. Weepinbell was probably still with Butch and Cassidy, but we all know that by now. Victreebel for the most part is like Bulbasaur. Vinewhip. That's all it's good for. And Razor Leaf. Could probably be better, but isn't right now.
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Jessie- Sucks.

Wobbuffet: See? She has a Wobbuffet, and doesn't use it that often. See, Wobbuffet is only a good defensive Pokemon. I'm sure that's not what Jessie wants. Wobbuffet, under like Misty or Brock, would be a good Pokemon. If Jessie used Wobbuffet's Mirror Coat (if it has it. I'm not sure it does) once against Pikachu, Ash wouldn't have a chance. But, like I said. Jessie sucks, so it doesn't matter.
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Tracey Sketchit- Can kiss my ass. Seriously. He's a Pokemon sketcher, who wouldn't be in if Ash and Misty didn't care if anyone knew they were a couple.

Marill: Marill probably would've been Ash's Pokemon before long. Water Pokemon, looks like a mouse (hence why people called it Pikablu), yet fell into the hands of Tracey. Good thing about Tracey though is that he actually battles too. He had a Scyther and... something else. Marill would provide good back-up for the Snorlax/Pikachu combo. Sadly, that's all it was good for.
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And finally, Gary Oak- The most evolved character in Pokemon. More than the Pokemon themselves. Gary started out an arrogant punk, started to slightly respect Ash when he saw him win the Earth Badge, was still kind of an arrogant punk in the Pokemon League arc, but matured greatly during the Orange Islands arc. See, Gary battles now caring for his Pokemon (Eevee), and before that, didn't care how he won, just as long as he did. (BONUS QUESTION NUMERO DOS! Was Gary in Pokemon: The First Movie?) Later on down the road, Gary and Ash became friends finally, and now they each share half of a Pokeball as a charm.

Eevee: Eevee is the least known, yet one of the best Pokemon in the series. And the fact that Gary didn't make it evolve makes it better. See, Gary beating Ash at the end of the first series was proof of that. Eevee uses agility, quick attack, and with the speed and companionship of Gary, it makes for a hard Pokemon to beat. Eevee gets a thumbs-up, and sadly, since we'll probably not see Gary again, he's gone now. Bah.
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And that ends this. Why? CAUSE. No one else has any Pokemon we haven't seen thousands of times before, and that's still good. If anyone wants to fill me in on Advanced or Battle Frontier Pokemon though, go ahead and add on to it.
















Answers:
1. Pokemon Puzzle League for the N64. You played as Ash with his three Pokemon of doom (Pikachu, Squirtle, and Bulbasaur) against everyone. Team Rocket, Tracey, Gary, the Elite Four, and all the Gym Leaders and even Mewtwo. It was Panel de Pon on the '64, but with Pokemon. I can dig it.
2. Yes he was. I wouldn't bring it up if he wasn't would I, dumbass? He's in the montage of Mewtwo beating up on numerous Pokemon (including an Onix, but it's not BROCK'S Onix)

Video Game Review: Twinkle Star Sprites

Hello, gamers. It's been a while, hasn't it? Don't worry, my gaming prowess hasn't diminished completely, although when I do try new games, it takes a while to get used to. Recently, I've been trying a lot of new things, as I have come across a lot of Dreamcast games that I haven't played before. Yes, this is a Dreamcast game, but it was released in the Arcade and also on the Playstation 2.

Now understand this. This game was made by ADK. Don't know who ADK is? ADK was a company that created a lot of Neo-Geo games, but are mostly known for the World Heroes series of fighting games. And I didn't even know about World Heroes until recently, so it shows how much I know about it. It obviously wasn't successful, and ended up being a part of SNK, which went under a couple years later.

Twinkle Star Sprites was released in Arcades in 1996, and was re-released in Japan for the Dreamcast and Playstation 2. It's also on Gametap, for those of you that have that. It's a Shoot 'Em Up, and I'll try to string the story along from what I read on Wikipedia... or well, lack thereof. Wiki only tells me that it's a concept/parody of Sailor Moon. Good enough for me.

And then, there's the gameplay. Now, I'll tell you the truth, I'm not a big fan of Shmups (Shoot em Ups). Well, some games I make exceptions to (Galaga if you can count that, Raiden, and games of the like), but the side-scrolling shmups I have a problem with (Parodius, Gradius, games of the like). Luckily, Twinkle Star Sprites is a game working vertically, not horizontally.

As is the case with many shmups, you have to shoot things. However, there's a twist added on here. Not only are you shooting things, but you're shooting to make combinations, needed to attack your opponent and deplete their health to 0 hearts. Yes, you have an opponent. Either way, you have to attempt to defeat that person, which is where I start to have problems.

The higher the chain, the more you can attack. However, it's hard to see if the attacks will land, considering you're concentrating on your screen. Take your eyes off of it for one second, and you'll pay the price, considering that most of the attacks they launch at you shave about 3 hearts off of your 5 heart gauge. But you have more to worry about than incoming attacks. You also have to watch out for the enemies that you're shooting at, but don't worry too much about them, as they take about one-half of your hearts.

There are also boss attacks that pop-up for you or your enemy if one of you does well. Generally, these boss attacks will destroy your opponent or you if you're not skilled. Yours also has a side-effect. You generally want to look at it, and like I said, you can't look away. In addition to your normal fire, you also have a charge attack, and bombs that do attacks as well. Be careful, as many times, bombs don't give you any chains.

Personally, I'm not a big fan of this game. Sometimes, the shots are too slow for the enemies, and not all the enemies go in a formation where they curve back up at you. Also, there's almost no guarantee that the attacks actually hit the opponent. Like I said, boss attacks generally do damage, but the CPU has a tendency to well, not only have better charge time than you, but to also be better at dodging and attacking than you are as well, making the game a bit unbalanced.

Obviously, many gamers would feel like this isn't a good game for them, considering the cutsey graphics. It still works pretty well as a shmup, but the general competition part of it is a bit tampered with. Still, it's not really my type of game, but you as the gamer may have better luck with it than I do.

Beats of Rage Mod Review: Battletoads

Oh look! I'm reviewing ANOTHER Battletoads game! Truth is though, for this game, you can't blame me AT ALL. I've played Beats of Rage. I've played the mods. This is the ultimate Beats of Rage game. First things first. I'm using OpenBOR, and it has four-player support. Yes, it works on Xbox too, which is f'in awesome. Now, let's get into the mod. You can choose between five characters. Oh what, you think they're going to restrict it to just the 'Toads? Hells to the naw. If you want to learn about the Toads, read the Battletoads arcade review. Like the Battletoads arcade game, surprisingly, ALL THE TOADS ARE PLAYABLE! They even have some new moves, or at least moves I haven't seen yet. Either way, the main attraction that this mod brings to me is...

Badamn. Sketch Freakin' Turner. If you don't know who Sketch Turner is, it's time for me to tell you a little story. Back in the day, Beat 'em Ups were great, and Sega always had the edge up on Nintendo as far as Beat 'em Ups go. Nintendo got the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles games, which granted, are very good, but when it came down to it, Sega made their own, and they were normally superior. Many people may not remember Comix Zone, as opposed to the immensely popular Streets of Rage games. However, the best Beat 'Em Up in my opinion was Comix Zone. It was released on the Genesis, released in Great Britain on the Game Boy Advance, and most recently released on the Wii on the Virtual Console. Also, there's this zombie dude, I don't know. Now, I'm playing alone, so obviously, it won't be as fun as if I was playing with three other people. Eh...

Now, there are five games here. Just for the sole purpose of showing off, I'm going to play Comix. And obviously, I'm going to use Sketch Turner.

As you can see, it's pretty straight forward. That is, you walk forward and you beat the crap out of people. There are a multitude of options here, and you never get tired of beating the crap out of people. Now, of course, where would a Battletoads game be without the difficulty? You get five lives, plus four countinues. Even with that, it's tough to make it through most games. The Comix game is easy only because you don't have to do much walking up and down, which can be a major factor in Beat em Ups (and if you have godawful accuracy, like yours truly).

Each of the characters have what was called in Final Fight, an Extra Joy move, or Special Move if you will. This CAN put some distance between you and enemies, but watch your health. Everytime you use it, your health goes down.

In another game, Zombie Party, your job is to save the city from Zombies. Now, this DOES have you walking up and down, so it can be a real drag. Like I said, my main problem is that I'm all alone...

As you can see, it is super easy to get your ass kicked in this game if you're playing by yourself. So if I were you, I'd get some friends together and mess these zombies up. What are YOU waiting for?

Rematch is the story of the Toads attempting to make it to see the ULTIMATE FUCKING REMATCH. Ivan "I Must Break You" Drago vs. The Italian Stallion, Rocky Balboa! I don't know why people would try to attack a bunch of Toads and/or a Comic artist and/or a zombie, but hey, it makes an amusing premise.
Besides, NO ONE gets between Rash and Rocky Balboa. Not even random street punks.

Here's another neat thing about this game. When you grab your enemy (which is done by just walking up to them), you can perform a multitude of moves by pressing up and attack, down and attack, or just attacking. Here, I just pressed attack, and it just gave me the giant fist. The down attack gives me the claws (meaning that if I was Zitz, it would be the DRILLA KILLA) and the up attack gives me the giant boot. Wait a minute, did I say giant fist? I'm Rash! Rash doesn't punch! No, I'm not nitpicking, I'm just being stupid.

Chances are, the first game you'll play (which is the first game on the list) is T.Bird Rescue. Professor T. Bird gets birdnapped, and it's up to you to get him back! This is the stage with all the rats and stuff from the Battletoads games, so it makes alot more sense than Rematch, Zombie Party, and Comix. Although you know, they're all awesome. Oh, and since I'm Zitz, before I forget...

DRILLA KILLA!

Okay, now with that out of the way, let's talk music for a bit. From what I hear, none of the music itself is original, they're taken from Battletoads games. The sound however, is great (if you're using a version of OpenBOR that HAS great sound). The rats make noises when they try to get up again, the attacks have their own sound (Such as the sound of a drill), and so on and so forth.

Oh, and look at this! You can use weapons too! This is awesome in MANY MANY ways. I love using weapons in games like this.

Finally, it's time for Revenge. In an un-toadlike manner, they're going to get a little Payback on the Dark Queen for kidnapping T.Bird. As you can see, I'm Bub, the zombie. I don't know why Bub, the Zombie is in this game, but who am I to complain?

As you can plainly see, there are alot of enemies. None of them at all are better than the Zombie attack that you get in Zombie Party. Zombie Party is obviously my favorite game, only because it's really challenging, and I would expect really shines when you get more people to play.
In the end, Battletoads, the Beats of Rage mod, is one of the best I've played. This is how Beat 'Em Ups SHOULD be.