Video Game Review: Battletoads

There are alot of quarter-suckers out there. Smash TV, Total Carnage, and let's face it dammit, every single Capcom fighting game ever. There's only one problem with this list: none of these games are Battletoads. Battletoads is notorious for being too damn hard on ANY system. If you could beat the original Battletoads on NES (with no warps), then you would be considered legendary. Alot of people say that if you could beat Contra without using the 30 lives code, you're God. Well, there's a bit of a problem with that. Either way, a plethora of tough Battletoads games came after. Battletoads and Double Dragon (which was one giant step upon Technos' creation, before DD would eventually do itself in with DD3), Battletoads in Battlemaniacs for SNES which was super-hard, and two games on Game Boy, which were more and less the same as the NES game. There was also a Genesis version of the NES version as well. What's amazing to me is that all the games after the original but before this one came out in 1993. There was even a Battletoads TV show! Well in 1994, knowing that the Battletoads were drifting away in small doses, Rare pulled out one more game, with the help of Electronic Arts. And thus, Battletoads the Arcade Game (Which I'm told by Wikipedia, is called Super Battletoads) was created. Let's not beat around the bush. This game is hard. However, since you can possibly beat the game if you have five dollars worth of quarters, and one other (or two if your arcade has i-- okay, if you alter the dipswitches in MAME) friend playing, that makes it a bit easier than Battletoads on any other console. So for those who don't know, there are three 'Toads. Rash- Real Name: Dave Shar. The cool one. He also appears to be the Sanji of the group, as he's rarely seen throwing a punch. He's known for his sunglasses, and later down the road, his bandana on his arm. Rash is the only character to be playable in every game, although in Battlemaniacs, he's only playable if you're second player. Also, he's not playable in Ragnarok's World on Gameboy, but I'm sure not many people have played it enough to care. Personally, Rash is okay to me. He's fast and like I said, kicks, not punches. Zitz- Real Name: Morgan Ziegler. The Brains of the group, and the leader apparently. You know, that comes as a surprise to me, as Rash would seem to be perfect for leader, although he seems to be the clown of the group. Zitz uses machines, and has one of the greatest attacks in the game: The Drill Arm, or as the game calls it: The Drilla Killa. Excuse me, I didn't know Zitz was so Gangsta. Zitz was the only Toad playable in Ragnarok's World (which eliminate's that game's brownie points along with the fact that Rash is out of action), as well as Player 2 in the first game. Now I know what you're thinking. WTF, Zitz is Bluish-Green! That's Pimple in that there first game! Well, Pimple was originally supposed to be green, not tan. However, it happens. Also, he got knocked out and was out of action in Battlemaniacs, which confuses the hell out of me. Oh well. He's once again, okay. He doesn't care if he uses punches or kicks, he just normally uses machines to fight. Pimple- Real Name: George Pie. Despite the stupid name, The Muscle of the group. He's my personal favorite, but while he does alot of damage, he fights without any flash or strategy, making him take damage or something like that. Honestly, there's something against Pimple within Rare. Pimple was the first Toad taken out, which means that he wasn't playable in the first game. Also, in the game no one cares about, he wasn't playable either. He was however playable in Battlemaniacs, as Player One. By the way, let me just say this. Battletoads/Double Dragon does not do justice to the Battletoads. On every console, the toads look like their NES forms, making Pimple seem puny. He's the exact opposite. He's big, even for a human. Now, as you can tell, besides B/DD, this is the only Battletoads game that features every single Toad as a playable character. That's good, cause once again, THIS GAME IS HARD. But you know what else? This game is bloody too. Hell yes. You can see the blood spraying around when Pimple drops his anvil foot on a rat, or when Zitz DA DRILLA KILLA right here. So, story. Uh... well, basically Dave, Morgan, and George were roommates how were chosen to test a game called Battletoads (breaking the fourth wall here?) made by a guy named Silas Volkmire (who was only in Battlemaniacs if you were good enough to get to the final level). The game seemed to be some virtual reality game, which would've been awesome if the Virtual Boy didn't suck. However, they got suspicious, and fell into a trap which turned them into real humanoid toads. For some reason, the Dark Queen (who is the HOTTEST main villain in any game, however tying hottest Arcade game character with B. Orchid from Killer Instinct) wants the Toads to work for her. The Toads must've used the name "Dark Queen" for what it's worth, and thus declined and decided to FIGHT AGAINST HER~! And thus despite getting EVERYTHING thrown at them, the Toads slap her around in every game. This game is awesome. Now, the gameplay isn't different from any other beat em up. There's the three punches, then smash hit. There's also Claw (Rash)/Drill (Zitz)/ANVIL(Pimple) them while they're down. And finally, the run and attack, which works to your advantage. There are also two vehicle levels: the jetpack level, and this flying car level or whatever it's supposed to be. They're fun in small doses, yo. You have five bosses to dispatch of: Slaughter, Karnath, a Robo-Rat, Big Blag (who's marked as Unknown) and Robo Manus. Each stage is rather large, and every boss after Slaughter is tough. The graphics are great, basically a larger version of Battlemaniac's sprites, with Zitz's sprites added. Like every Beat-Em-Up, the game is fun when there are more people playing, and like every Battletoads game, you can hurt your friends while playing, so be careful. The music is catchy and expected of a Battletoads game. Is there a replay value? If you support your local arcade, then yes, deposit your twenty dollar allowance in the machine and make the owner happy. Also, there IS a score, so how high can you go? All in all, the send-off to the Battletoads series is awesome, and easily the best game in the series. Maybe it's because it's easy. Who knows anymore?